Breastfeeding – My Little Slice of Hell
So as you may or may not have read in my first birth story, my son was handed to me just minutes after being born and I was asked if I wanted to try breastfeeding. Okay, (and to quote Bon Jovi) I'll give it a shot. Well, what do you know, it kind of worked! He knew exactly what to do just like the baby that instantly started nursing on an oblivious Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon. What was I so worried about?
When I was pregnant, birth didn't scare me, breastfeeding did. My logic was one way or another they were going to get this baby out of me and I would only have to endure anything horrible for a short period of time, whereas, I was expected to breastfeed for a MINIMUM of three months. The thought terrified me and grossed me out all at once – I consider the word "suckle" one of the most disgusting words in the English language.
After having a good sleep and the drugs started to wear off, my son started to cry. Okay, no problem. Blue Lagoon! Although, it wasn't Blue Lagoon. This time it kind of hurt and as soon as he was finished he started crying again. Now, I suppose all women are wired to react when their child cries so they don't let them starve in a sock drawer somewhere but I can't express the surge of panic I had when he started to cry. It was like chewing tin foil with metal fillings. So I tried the other side, then back again. Now it was really starting to hurt. A nurse came in and asked me if I needed help and I said, as casually as I could "yes, please" and she proceeded to show me her version of the perfect way to latch a baby. In the two days I was in the hospital, five nurses showed me five different ways to breastfeed properly.
By the time I left the hospital I had five different versions of how to breastfeed, a tube system to attach to my breast to supplement feed formula because my milk hadn't come in and nipples that felt like a cheese grater had been used on them. I was warned not to use a bottle because my son would get nipple confusion and not to use the tube system for too long because he'll get used to that too. Then I was given a nice "Bye, bye now! Good luck."
Once I got home, I got a call from Public Health who automatically checks in when you come home with a baby to see if you're about to drink Drano. I told her about my breastfeeding troubles so she offered to come over the next day to help me out. She ended up showing me yet another way to feed him then proceeded to ask me a variety of questions including whether or not I was I afraid of being hurt by my husband who had at some point fallen asleep while sitting upright on the couch holding the baby beside me. Then she left. It still didn't get any better.
Finally on the third day my milk came in. I couldn't believe it. My body was actually producing food. It was like dispensing jelly beans out of my elbow. I was still in severe pain but at least my son wasn't crying constantly. So I decided to call Public Health again and see if they could tell me what was wrong with my latch. After all, everything I read said breastfeeding should never hurt. So the woman on the phone told me "No, it shouldn't hurt but you should expect an exquisite pain." Pardon? Exquisite pain? Is that like delicious death? No, I would just classify this as "pain pain". Not only was she useless, I now pictured this 50-something sadomasochistic nurse in a gimp outfit undoing her zipper-mouth to take calls from us frightened new mothers.
Finally, I went to see a lactation consultant at the hospital. I wasn't too keen on this as I had heard horror stories from friends about these breastfeeding nazis that essentially tell you to stop being such a damn baby and feed your child as nature intended so it doesn't die then slap a "breast is best" sticker on your head and send you home. I think I actually wore pajama pants to the appointment as this was day six of my living hell and I was looking like a worn out bowling alley whore.
She came in weighed my son and told me he was gaining weight then asked me to show me how I fed him. I whipped out my boob because, at that point, she was the only one in the free world who hadn't seen my tits. (On a side note, I think it's so unfair that when you're the most embarrassed about nursing it's when you're the least experienced at it so you have to strip down to your torso, use two hands and a pillow just to do it.) Anyhoo, she took a look and said "You're doing a great job. Your latch is perfect, you just need to get used to it. It's never easy in the beginning." Well, I felt like I just got a gold star sticker on my boob. I can't tell you the relief I felt to know that I was actually doing it correctly and that I just needed to get my boobs broken in. It took about 3 or 4 more days after that and the toe curling pain that went along with him first latching subsided and I ended up nursing him until he was around 16-months old. 16 MONTHS. Crazy non?!
The whole point of this post isn't to scare you. I'm just so pissed that most breastfeeding material kind of fails to mention the bumpy start that a lot of women have. It's a great way to feed your kid. Hey, I did it with both my kids but I don't think it's always a Blue Lagoon experience for everyone and women should be given the support they need if they are trying to get through those dark days to get to their very own Blue Lagoon even if it's just a Turquoise Puddle.
What do you think? Do you know if there is great post-natal support where you live? Let me know because I know this varies significantly depending on where you are. What are you going to do, bottle, boob or both?
32 Comments
Reader Comments (32)
Funny - my blog yesterday was titled "A story about my boobs"... we have some crazy kind of booby mind meld going on.
When I first started breastfeeding, I had 3 different midwives come to my house to help me, I had phone counseling with a La Leche League woman, another La Leche League woman came to my house, and I saw a Public Health Nurse twice at a breastfeeding clinic.
I did my research, yo!
I really, really wanted breastfeeding to work for me - and it was a pure nightmare at first. Whenever my daughter would finally latch on and start eating in those first few really difficult days, I would burst out crying.
You're right - it's really, really hard. And I wouldn't suggest any new Mom try it on her own. I tried a whole bunch of different resources and found the nurse at the breastfeeding clinic to be the most helpful for me.
Now my daughter goes from the breast to a bottle of pumped milk like a champ. She likes to eat! Just like her Mama.
Freakin' hilarious, as usual. I'm sitting here looking like an idiot in the middle of a coffee shop laughing out loud.
I think if I had read more posts like this when I was struggling with breastfeeding, it would have really helped. I understand why breastfeeding advocates don't want to scare women off from nursing - and for some women it really DOES come easily, all Brooke/Blue Lagoon and sh!t...but for so many others, it IS a struggle - and it helps to know that you can get through it and succeed.
In my case, there was no happy breastfeeding ending, but there was definitely a happy ending, when a few of the masses of LCs I consulted assured me that I had done what I could and I just wasn't meant to breastfeed this particular kiddo. Formula saved my butt, and my baby's cute little butt. Still, I think breastfeeding is such an amazing thing and I am always thrilled to see stories like this where someone prevailed - and has such a great sense of humor about the whole debacle.
My doctor who delivered my son that came in to check in on me in the hospital and asked me how the whole nursing was going. I told her not so great and expected her to launch into a huge tirade about how breastfeeding was the only way to go but she just shrugged her shoulders and said "stick with it for a week and if it doesn't work then don't beat yourself up about it." Strangely enough, that permission to switch to formula gave me a lot more confidence than if I'd have been given the usual all-or-nothing speech and I stuck with it.
I've had friends that have had blisters, cracked nipples and other horrors that should not be discussed at the water cooler and they were made to feel like failures because they "gave up". To those people I would like to suggest they hold a lit cigarette to their belly button every two hours for a few weeks and see how long it would take for them to "give up".
Now you're gone and gotten me all riled up again ; )
Thanks for the post. I am 34 weeks prego and I am totally baffled by reality of breast feeding. I want to do it, but it sounds horrible. Nice to know I am not alone and it could turn out better than expected.
I love this sight!
I breastfed 4 kids and had a good variety of "issues"- just want to encourage folks to check out their local La Leche League chapter -
http://www.llli.org/
these groups are led by moms who have "been there"
I have read some posts (not here) accusing La Leche League leaders as being "breastfeeding Nazis" (ick) but my experience, as well as thousands of others, has been the opposite.
The leaders get to know you, work with your own goals and ideas and just try to make breastfeeding positive for everyone involved. oh - and they help you decide when and if you should move toward bottle-feeding pumped milk or formula, and they don't make you feel bad about it...
This was posted on the Boob vs. Bottle post and I thought it might be helpful here too:
"I found the website www.kellymom.com a lifesaver if you need info/advice on how to make breastfeeding work for you. The forums are amazing too. That said, they wouldn't appreciate your five benefits of bottle feeding."
Love your blog - saw the link on coolmompicks.com and have been browsing for 30 minutes! I so love this post for its honesty. I nursed my son for 13 months but nearly quit at 10 days (and then at 6 months, and then again at 10 months when he went through a nursing strike ... yada yada yada). It was terribly difficult and painful. I was so lucky to have my mom close by - I am a twin and she tandem-nursed us for 16 months, so was a wealth of information. For every one of my friends who has subsequently called me with a nursing question or problem, I have tried to be encouraging but also realistic about the challenges!
Thanks, Erin! I was so happy for the shout out from Cool Mom Picks so I'm glad you found me and you like the site!
Holy cow I can't believe your mother breastfed twins for 16 months. That is DAMN impressive. It sounds like you're you're friends are lucky to have such supportive resource in you too.
Thanks again for the love.
I love you blue lagoon reference. Because when I remember one night, my daughter woke me up, she was only eh, 2 days old and breastfeeding was really difficult for me. And I was SO tired. I turned on the tv and as I was struggling to latch my child to my boob, Blue Lagoon comes on. lawlz. I think I ended up watching the whole thing...struggling with my child the whole time. I think. lol.
I ended up, after doing everything, EVERYTHING (and freaking EV_ER_Y_THING) to exclusively breast feed my son, using formula and breastfeeding as much as I could on top. We did that until he was 11 onths (and I was 4 months pregnant with my second. I went to LCs, breatsfeeding clinics, my midwife, took herbs and prescription drugs, the lot. But the thing that gave me the confidence to do what I needed to was the online forums at http://forums.llli.org. The moms there are awesome, and unlike the in real life groups there is ALWAYS someone who has been in your exact situation.
I am due May 4th, and really want to nurse. I read a ton, and watch videos to learn. I however know that it won't be easy, but its important so I am going to give it my all. I can't wait, but am scared of the initial pain. I will also pump a little later for bottles.
Yup...this rings so true.
I used to save my c-section percoset for latching on time....
ugh.
I, like so many others, was never told how difficult breastfeeding could be when I was about to have my first babe. I also went through the ringer, mostly because of low milk supply. I tried and did everything I could, all the while feeling resentful that I wasn't forewarned how common it is to have issues with breastfeeding. I wish I could've read this post then. I would still do it all over again, but instead of feeling like I was a failure for having so many issues, I would've felt like a champ for overcoming most of them.
You are so right, you need REAL support the first few weeks of breast feeding. My mom was my rock... As she had breastfed me and helped me through my insanity on day 3! Find someone who has been there/ done that who is an encouragement, not a bossy witch. We all know we don't know what the HELL we're doing , at first, so a new mom doesn't need to be bossed... Just encouraged! Thanks for this site... It really is what moms to be and moms who are need:)
I have 3 children and I have breast fed all of them. The toe curling pain, shooting from your nipples, that you mention... yep, that resonates. Also the intense cramping everytime they latch on for the first 3 or 4 days. Seriously though, after about a week, it is so worthwhile! I love nursing my babies and its a lot easier in the middle of the night than warming up formula. For all you new moms out there.... use nipple cream!!! Its magic, and will help with the cheese grated nipples.
I was in the hospital for 5 days with my daughter. Between the emergency c section, to my milk coming in late, to her being slightly jaundiced, to her losing too much weight because my milk wasn't coming in, my first few days were hell. we would nurse for 45 mins at a stretch, then an hour and half later, do it again, and again. We had latching problems right from the get go. I was told to let myself air out so that they could dry naturally. when your docs and nurses come in, look at you and grimace because they can physically see the agony on your little milk machines, you know you're in for it. Went home, she was gaining weight beautifully (finally!)but of course, the agony wasn't over. I got mastitis.. twice! in 3 weeks. On a side note to the hospital, when the tv in the emergency room is on, think it might be a good idea to switch channels from a spike 1000 ways to die marathon? (although, i have a twisted sense of humour, i thought it was funny). After 5 months, countless trips to the lactation consultants, docs, medication, pumps, pain, (omg the pain!!) conflicting information, we decided to go to the formula full time. Although, if i ever did decide to have another little miracle, I would do it all again. Call me a massochist..
I know more women who have not succeeded at breast feeding (despite doing everything they could to do it) than who have. I am currently still nursing my 7 month old (though we've introduced solids, and he loves them). I feel like such a nerd, because I hadn't given it much thought or research before hand and while I wouldn't describe it as a blue lagoon situation- it most certainly has been successful for me. I worked in a pediatrician's office and knew it was commonplace to at least supplement with formula for SO MANY REASONS. So I shrugged and said, 'I'll try it' when it came time to make the decision for my own child. Don't get me wrong. I cried every night for the first month (or so it seems), and wanted to give up... (I think it was exhaustion at first, the feeding for 45 minutes on each side and then him wanting to start all over 30 minutes later, it was constant nursing). But I stuck with it. I didn't experience that initial latching pain that you and a few others have described. I got that later, like a month or so in to it. I don't know what about his latch changed, but oy! cracked nipples, blocked ducts, and a mildly tongue tied baby made for a rather unpleasant time. I never had trouble with supply, though it did take me an entire week of pumping in order to get enough to go out for a few hours one night. It is so not easy. I sometimes feel guilty, or that it's unfair that I have been able to breast feed exclusively, and didn't really give a shit before hand, while so many women I know were all about the natural route- and have so many issues with supply, infections, and weight gain, that they've been forced to use formula when they swore it wouldn't happen to them. But that's silly, there is no clear cut right way to do this, bring a baby into the world, nurture and rear it, and there's so many judgmental people out in the world and on the internet- that it makes it hard for women, harder than it has to be. I feel lucky and blessed that I had great nurses in the hospital and good lactation consultants there as well. If it had been any more difficult, I'm not sure I would have succeeded. I never sought out the LLL meetings, though I considered it. I never had support outside of those first 5 days in the hospital (I had an emergency C that went kinda badly, boo). My mother bottle fed, and I live a fair distance away from any females one usually calls on for support at times like these. I am rambling... a lot. Sorry. Thank-you for sharing your story. I recently stumbled upon your site and am enjoying your take on things.
The best advice i give anyone about breastfeeding, is to choose ONE person to take advice from, and ignore all the rest.
LIke you, I got "help" from 7 different nurses, and got 7 different versions of how to breastfeed - even my new pediatrician had advice, which didn't actually help.
At all.
But one, groovy, old-school LC told me not to take it all so seriously, showed me how
to get her to latch - FINALLY - someone who wasn't afraid to actually grab my boob and
cram it into the baby's mouth - and.... success.
Love your site! My 38 week pregnant daughter made me read your site and i love it. I'm so glad you posted the real deal about breastfeeding. I had nine kids (yes, really nine, all the same dad, none are twins) and it took me THREE kids to finally make a go of breastfeeding. I will never understand why people don't tell you that IT WILL HURT!! (and the lighter skinned you are the worse it will be). And it doesn't matter how many kids you have, it HURTS like HELL every single time. (I was on my fourth and fifthy kids when I got SHARKS who sucked huge gashes in my nipples! YIKES!!) Glad there is such great info out there for new moms these days. Isn't technology grand?!
I have to say, out of everything I experienced throughout pregnancy and labour, the pain during breastfeeding was what most surprised me because I, too, had read if you do it right, it doesn't hurt.... Luckily, it just took a few days before it stopped hurting, and I felt like an old pro somewhere between 4 and 6 weeks, and I breastfed until she was 10 1/2 months, which was longer than I thought I was going to...
SO glad I stumbled back onto this blog! I'm on day 12 of what feels like trying to feed a baby alligator and I'm so glad it's not just me. LOL at the percocet comment - I had the same thought. But I only have 1 left!! The pain is starting to get better and latch is getting easier though. I really want to make breastfeeding work and all these stories are giving me hope that it won't always be so tough. My lactation consultant (#3! Add to the same deal with 4 different nurses in the hospital - thank God one really good one) said after about 3 weeks it usually starts to become much easier and by 6 weeks you don't even have to think about it. Fingers crossed!
I have repeatedly argued that labor and birth aren't scary...breastfeeding is! I had the worst time in the hospital with ten different nurses who would say the EXACT opposite of what the last one had said. It almost got to be a game with us. Our pediatrician had a lactation nurse on hand and that's what ended up helping us. It's been a challenge but I'll make it to 6 months one way or the other. Now, 16 months? You're a rockstar.
Noticed nobody had mentioned trying to breastfeed an infant with A TOOTH!! Yeah, I had one of those! Breastfeeding my first, I was pretty much on my own, I had a severe bout of PPD (which I let get too bad before I sought help, but that's another story). I also had a very unsupportive husband who was extra quick to offer a bottle of formula our first night home from the hospital when I was having issues. COMON! I had just laboured for 39hrs, been induced, had my water broken, a fouled up epidural along with a 45 min long, off the charts contraction.... Give me a break! I battled with #1 for 6 months and finally, after I had returned to work and had no where to pump, my milk went bye bye and he was switched to formula. My #2 was born, c-section with a tooth....aka the razor from hell! At 15 days old, due to a liver issue she was switched straight to a bottle, then we tried to go back, talk about nipple confusion!! That was TERRIBLE! She would bite and bite and bite (no problem normally, but she had this sharp as a razor tooth!) We spent 4 months at the lactation consulant...... I finally gave up...I felt like a total failure, but after pumping every 2hrs for 5 days, she wouldn't latch properly and wanted the faster flow of the bottle. It was terrible. It took a long time to finally give in to the fact that I was feeding my baby, she was finally growing and was healthy. Her liver issue has resolved, they never discovered what exactly it was....she went from the 2nd percentile in weight to the 98th...... LOL!!! :-) She's a happy, healthy 2 year old now.
Ha! I could have written this but instead of it getting better after 3 or 4 days it was more like 8 weeks! But here I am, 3 months later still going strong pain free, yayyyyy!
This is good to know! I"m 28 weeks pregnant with my first and I'm terrified about breastfeeding. I was emailing a friend the other day and accidentally typed "breastfueding", and laughed out loud at my new word until I realized it might be an omen of imminent doom. My nipples are already so sensitive and sore that my own husband can barely get near them and when he does, I keep a balled up fist on standby just in case he needs a reminder to tread gently. Knowing I can't get by with this game plan with a baby, I'm a little concerned. I want to succeed at this so badly and don't plan on giving up easily, but no one ever does plan on quitting that do they?
Thanks for the light at the end of the tunnel.